Becoming

I have seen strength-
a waif like figure in a rose colored scarf

I have known courage-
a young man, a tumor pressed against his heart

I have dreamt of death
awoken in life

B & T

there is no name so sinister as Brown & Toland
makes my blood boil

how can they do this to patients
for the sake of profit?

this is no access to care
this is jeopardizing health
severing patients from trusted providers
and this is what we call health insurance

little girl, 7

I arrive with cups of juice, straws
the young girls, sisters,
receive the juice silently
it is not what they want
after school they need their mother to be waiting to meet them
with juice boxes and snacks
she is gone

little girl, 7
looks at me
her pink cheeked face
with such dark, sad eyes

I'm so sorry about your mother
I know she loved you
I can't say anything aloud
but when I smile, I try to hold hope, endurance, levity in my eyes

so when she reaches out to take the cup
the smooth curve of the cup
will fill her hand
it will not close on emptiness

For you

This climb is the most difficult
You are strapped with an increasing tumor burden
You must climb fatigued,
with little immunity to the elements

IV tubing to tether you to this life
Meds, blood, fluids, lytes to sustain you

The rock becomes slippery with chemo,
jagged with pain,
You look out at me from your suffering,
clear eyed, yet unafraid
You let go

I cling to this life,
forced to watch fellow beings fall
too weary to continue on

What can I do?
I will care for you
I will give you as much kindness as possible
And I will climb alongside you
As far as you wish.

last

Had I known it was to be your last meal,
I would have arranged everything on the plastic tray with care
folded the paper napkin as if it were lace
smoothed the linen on your bed like a gossamer white tablecloth
polished the tines of the fork to gleaming

crash

Yesterday my computer crashed
I thought I had come to the end
Today a patient died
(septic shock)

stage IV

“Carpe diem,” said he.
“But how?” said the student.
He told her about a brilliant journey he was on, called life.
“And now?” she asked, as they reached a bend in the road.
“Continue on,” he responded.
And so he did.