deception

cerebral spinal fluid- clear, glistening, yet full of lymphoma cells
well shaped bones- riddled with metastases within
a tiny vial of Vincristine, from the flower periwinkle- can errode tissue, veins
chemo that looks like pure spring water- poison to the touch, wipes out blood cells, nauseates

blink

I help you slip into a blue gown

as you are wheeled past
I reach out to touch your shoulder
it is not a farewell

small talk

0515 - wake up, get to hospital
1600 - leave hospital
1700-2200 - class
I almost think I should keep this schedule. I won't, because I want to pass my classes, but I do sleep well with exhaustion as my blanket, too tired to process the day.

I used to think small talk was a superficial waste of time, but now I understand that it is useful for avoiding uncomfortable social situations.

"How are you?"
(her cancer came back- she has already written birthday cards to her little girls for each year to come, that fungal infection could kill him tonight, the chemo seared the lining of his mouth/throat- he can hardly talk or swallow through the pain.)
"I'm doing well, and yourself?"

nursing, 1887

The following job description was given to floor nurses by a hospital in 1887:

In addition to caring for your 50 patients, each nurse will follow these regulations:

1. Daily sweep and mop the floors of your ward, dust the patient's furniture and window sills.
   
   
2. Maintain an even temperature in your ward by bringing in a scuttle of coal for the day's business.
   
   
3. Light is important to observe the patient's condition. Therefore, each day fill kerosene lamps, clean chimneys and trim wicks. Wash the windows once a week.
   
   
4. The nurse's notes are important in aiding the physician's work. Make your pens carefully; you may whittle nibs to your individual taste.
   
   
5. Each nurse on day duty will report every day at 7 a.m. and leave at 8 p.m. except on the Sabbath on which day you will be off from 12 noon to 2 p.m.
   
   
6. Graduate nurses in good standing with the director of nurses will be given an evening off each week for courting purposes or two evenings a week if you go regularly to church.
   
   
7. Each nurse should lay aside from each pay day a goodly sum of her earnings for her benefits during her declining years so that she will not become a burden. For example, if you earn $30 a month you should set aside $15.
   
   
8. Any nurse who smokes, uses liquor in any form, gets her hair done at a beauty shop, or frequents dance halls will give the director of nurses good reason to suspect her worth, intentions and integrity.
   
   
9. The nurse who performs her labors and serves her patients and doctors without fault for five years will be given an increase of five cents a day, providing there are no hospital debts outstanding.
   

young, idealist

If the world was thrown into chaos-
fire falling from the sky, ground crumbling away,
the dollar declared worthless,
I would still want to be a nurse.

cup of ethics

• please, I'm here to help
• you must be thirsty- drink this
• this will lessen your pain
• you had surgery yesterday, and now you are running a fever- you need to stay hydrated
• please try to drink
• the sooner you drink this, the sooner you'll feel better
• the nurse prepared this especially for you- will you try some?
• this is what the doctor recommended to speed your recovery

I murmur these lines, bring the cup to her lips, but each time she violently pushes my hand away, unwilling to take her medication or any water.

In her delirium she may not hear my words, or her dementia may not allow her to comprehend them. Does she recall how to drink from a cup? Is she completely disoriented and believes that I mean to harm her?

She has lived WWII and a communist revolution. She knows pain and suffering better than I. What right do I have to force her to drink?


The nurse took one look at the patient's poor skin turgor and dry mucous membranes, tipped the patient's head back and forced her to drink. In response, the patient promptly leaned over the bedrail and spat the fluid onto the floor.

birth

c-section
peel back the slit layers of flesh,
cauterize capillaries like so many cigarette burns,
lift out the bloody fruit of the uterus
needles bite into the thick muscle
this part ends in a neat row of staples


I returned to the nicu, met a nurse who had been there 23 years ago, thanked her for taking care of me when I was a tiny, intubated doll in a plastic box

to hold a newborn is to know that your life is no longer your own