warm blanket
risks
everything is blue
don't remember anything
marking pen - x on limb, forehead, shoulder, leg
blood transfusion consent
belongings in a bag
blue hair nets

what are the last words I can say to you
when you disappear behind the OR doors,
will I see you again

I'll see you when you wake up
we'll take good care of you
the surgeon is excellent
you're in the best place to be for this procedure
you'll be fine
everything is going to be okay

longest night

waiting for his wife to come out of surgery
he collapses
he is found on the bathroom floor in asystole
there is an immediate attempt to resuscitate him
but it is too late
the "code blue" sounds flat, as if the announcer knows that there is no hope

the doctor asks for a "death pack"
only a folded shroud and a few papers
but it feels so heavy in my hand

how to be a secretary on an oncology unit

when a family member asks for a toothbrush,
he/she really needs two

offer water/juice to visitors sitting, unmoving
waiting for a loved one to come out of surgery
they have forgotten thirst
the hands of the clock are fixed

show kindness to those who are demanding
they have been too anxious to eat or sleep much
trying to hold everything together on the surface, when inside breaking
tucking anxiety away behind tired eyes, clipped voice

"sleep chair" is a misnomer

be efficient, follow through-
it seems like everything is taking too long because you have been waiting for labs, for authorization, for doctors, for medications, for test results, waiting for the pain and nausea to subside, waiting for this to all be over

I know that you need me to repeat things, because the diagnosis is still so new, numbing
you retreat, a protective measure, and I call you back

goal of all this- to get you home, the haven that a hospital could never be

Distance

You're so much the expert
I so much the novice
truthfully we are too far apart on the professional practice continuum
to ever meet

though we may walk the hospital corridor in a seemingly linear path,
appear at the bedside in the same physical time/space,
the circuitry within our minds function in entirely different dimensions-
intersecting briefly- and then only because you are overgenerous and double back for me

1 week in hospital

Waiting for him to come home
Call from ER- he's been brought in by ambulance, having fainted
CT head, ECG, x-ray
pale
6 hours of blood transfusions

no sleep in the hospital chair
5am blood test
7am endoscopy
7:20am There are ulcers but it looks like stomach cancer
recovery room

waiting
biopsy results, tumor markers
CT abdomen- enlarged nodes

nurses
transport
lab techs
Primary care doctor - "doesn't look good"
GI specialist
attending - "let's not jump to conclusions- let's just call it a mass"
intern
surgeon
pathologist
cardiologist - "slight risk of heart attack on table"
oncologist - "This may or may not require chemotherapy"
radiation oncologist - "There are several treatment options,
nutritionist

there are no more tears
eyelids are stiff

CT chest
not enough tissue- another endoscopy

"I don't want to be cut open"
"I don't want to die"

Psalm 23

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

His chest heaves with the effort of sitting up
"I'm so weak- this is my last day here, I don't want to fall"
"I won't let you fall."

² He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,

his sister brought a picnic basket of his favorite foods,
I carefully label and store each item in the fridge- pretending not to notice that they are unopened and untouched,

³ he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

His voice, gasping and ragged in the intercom- "I can't breathe"
reflexively
pulling the nurse with me- get oxygen, find RT?
jogging to the room at the end of the corridor

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

The nurse stops me, "What are you doing? You can't do anything for him."
in the pause I remember that I am employed as a secretary. And that he is DNR.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I reschedule a final treatment twice as the family conference runs long,
beg the kitchen to send up ice cream at their inconvenience, because he wants to have the cool, sweet taste of it,
pray for his boys

asleep

if I lay down
my back will curve into the floor
limbs will move freely
wings and fins