Third Interview

I'm used to being invisible
I like my drab coloring and plain face
no pretense

bit short on cash for tuition- interviewed for a waitress job
a surprisingly short interview:
"I need you to be warm, attractive"
"Let me see you walk over there and back"

First night:
- purchased some eyeliner
- showed up in black slacks, was told to change
- one of the other girls took me aside, "make sure you tie it securely"

I pause in the doorway for a moment- sheathed in blue silk, hem embroidered with golden thread- no longer invisible, but afraid
"If you don't get out there, I'm going to FIRE you RIGHT NOW!!"

stepping into a crowded, dimly lit room, struggling to balance a tray of wine glasses
"How is it that you serve red wine in a chilled glass?"
(trembling slightly) "I'm so sorry sir, it's my first day- please, let me get you another"
(It seems I've led a very sheltered life, never before having received such a look of disgust)

the downcast eyes, the painted smile - as a child I had learned these as signs of respect
but I am no longer a child
I say, "More tea?"
He hears: See how soft my flesh is, I don't speak enough English to make any trouble
(I want to let the teapot slip, let the boiling water scald him. I cannot. And he could probably break my wrist with one hand)

I quit. I think the others were glad to see me go- I did not bring in as generous tips.




"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Matthew 16:26

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." - Matthew 26:41

Fight to Live

“The whole world consists of two classes, different in many things, but alike in this: That both are obliged to labor all their days. They are those who serve sin, and those who fight against it. Both experience pain and weariness. Sin is a hard master and a formidable foe. If you do its bidding you are a miserable drudge. If you war against it you will receive many wounds in the conflict. It’s hard to tell who is more wearied,the carnal who obeys the flesh or the spiritual who crucifies it. Both are compelled to labor, both are weary. The one is weary by sinning, the other wearied of sin. One of these strifes will soon be over, the other will never cease. If sin be your antagonist there will soon be peace for if sin cannot be taken wholly away from you, you will erelong be taken away from sin. But if sin be and till death abide your master, there is no deliverance from that yoke.”

— William Arnot (1808-1875) | Minister, Free Church of Scotland

Second Interview

I'm more selfish than I thought. I will do many things, but the idea of being required to work with hazardous chemicals terrifies me. Despite national recommendations, pregnant staff give chemo, there is chemo residue on bed linens, can be absorbed through the skin. These drugs are so toxic- they have to be, enough to kill liquid cancers and wipe out bone marrow in preparation for a stem cell transplant. Untreated, the diagnosis is fatal, but the treatment is so intense, it has the potential to be fatal also.

“Detection of drug residue in urine can take from 12 hours to 7 days.The ONS recommends using a disposable gown and double gloves for 48 hours after administration, and NIOSH extends those recommendations to 7 days for specific drugs. Linens should be handled in the same fashion. This is particularly important information for ancillary staff that may not normally receive drug-specific training or understand the potential dangers of these drugs."

"In terms of risk potential, a recent survey of more than 3000 oncology nurses showed that those who administer chemotherapy before and during pregnancy were 2.3 to 5 times more likely to give birth prematurely and have children with learning disabilities, especially language and motor problems. For this reason, both the ONS Chemotherapy and Biotherapy Guidelines and Recommendations for Practice and the ASHP Guidelines on Handling Hazardous Drugs state that employers should allow employees who are pregnant, breast-feeding, or planning to become pregnant to be given non–chemotherapy-related duties during this time frame"


Eisenberg, S. (2009). Safe Handling and Administration of Antineoplastic Chemotherapy. Journal of Infusion Nursing, 32(1), 23-32.

National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health. Preventing Occupational Exposures to Antineoplastic and Other Hazardous Drugs in the Health Care Setting. Washington, DC: US Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health; 2004. NIOSH Publication No. 2004–165.

Polovich M, White JM, Kelleher LO, eds. Chemotherapy and Biotherapy Guidelines and Recommendations for Practice. 2nd ed. Pittsburgh, PA: Oncology Nursing Society; 2005.

first interview

do I have the fortitude to do this
it's a tough job
most people wouldn't want it
but these burn victims need care as much as the next patient
or more
it's such a long road to recovery from such horrific wounds
can I take care of a charred body in an induced coma on a ventilator
do all I can to protect that body,
so that if/when the patient wakes from the coma,
he/she will have something functional to return to?


Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Send help

from medical volunteers, Haiti:

Leogone, city of tents
soccer amid rubble
kites, helicopters
generators run as long as there is diesel
surgeries in courtyards
33 weekers born on a tap tap taxi- a neurosurgeon does the c-section
Filariasis, typhoid, malaria, acromeg, ostegenesis imperfecta, conversion disorder
st. rosa lima orphanage is gone
180 morts
bag vent ketamine/propofol
amputate
maggots dug out

"I know this place like my pocket"
text messaging to direct food/aid (4636)
haitian, creole expats translate "here is anywhere"
chat, click, get coordinates, there are no street names

union haiti students, marine corp remaps, skilled jobs for refugees

"the quake did not kill my family it was the system, lack of infrastructure"

dialogue
architects at UCB need to talk to docs

Fond Parisien, field hospital
tents from S. Korea
volunteers from everywhere
DMAT TN
Japanese red cross
teams from Brazil, Ecuador

lost kids- red band, unicef, orphanage placement
airlifted to dominican republic, any field hospital
blind ex fix

without

for a terrifying minute
there is silence
everything is in darkness
inner workings of the hospital halt
lines are down

is it seconds, minutes?
before the hum of the generator picks up, electricity coursing back through wires, inflating lungs, reading hearts, steadying pressures, labs

not only the patients on this floor
every room, every floor
machines malfunctioning
the patient lying on the operating table
family trying to reach their loved one on the 15th floor when the elevators are down

then the threat of fire- how to transport patients, it is an impossible choice
then a code- soul forced back into the chest, maintaining breath and beat

relentless pace
code cart flying down the hallway
sprinting to get to the room
every effort is given
because there is nothing more important than this



Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

a day, a month

such a kind smile you offered everyone
even though your feet tingled painfully
and radiation was to you both cure and carcinogen
you took laps around the hospital corridors
en route to that much needed transplant

a few weeks later I can't recognize you,
your limp form in the bed
trembling in fever, only a few platelets left
marrow filled with young useless blasts, crowding out the rest
hardly breathing now

How will you get to that shining city of hope?

God will take you there
see even now angels are alongside you